M y dad died 16 years ago and here’s what I know now
16 years ago my Dad passed away after a short and intense battle with Cancer (F*ck Cancer).
Death and grief do strange things to people. It changes who we are at the core. I have learned through my own work in therapy, in relationships, and now as a therapist, that many of us are just trying to do the best that we can after someone we love dies.
A year after my dad died, I got divorced from my first husband. Honestly, it was on its way there and my dad’s death solidified what I already knew - that was not the life I wanted to live.
Somewhere along the way, I moved out of state (aka, ran away from everything) and entered into some version of low contact, no contact, estrangement with my mom. I also have two younger sisters, and felt immense pressure to take care of them, so running away and restarting a life seemed like the best option.
It’s been 16 years since I heard the words “Your dad’s not breathing,” and here’s what I know:
Grief hurts. Period. It will rock your world for as long as you want it to and are willing to let it.
The pain dissipates, but not for at least a year. It never fully goes away and comes in waves. A memory, a missed milestone, a “what if” will bring it back up.
Watching someone else go through a similar experience will hurt like hell and give you a superhuman strength to be there for those people.
Some people don’t know how to process the loss and will hurt other people along the way - this has nothing to do with you (this one has taken me a long long time to realize and accept).
Someone may spend more time in the denial stage, making it difficult for others to move on.
Death makes you realize what matters; it might take a while to get there, but over time you learn to understand that we truly only have this one life and to not take it and the people in it for granted
Death is surreal - I still have moments where I wonder if my dad actually died or I’ll think I see him on the sidewalk or out in public
My husband and daughter will never meet my dad, and that is harder than him dying.
Over time, you’ll learn to ride the waves. It might take a long time and that’s okay.
Divorce is the best decision I ever made.
My life now would not be what it is if my dad hadn’t passed. Do I love that idea? No; but I also would not have met my husband or had my daughter if he hadn’t and so I try to find some tiny sliver of something to make it not hurt so much.
And some less filtered thoughts:
You're not selfish or overly emotional for processing grief in your own way. Some people will tell you that, and that’s okay. We all process differently. You might hurt people along the way and if you have the opportunity to repair that hurt, please take it. It’s taken me 16 years and a lot of loss to understand that we still don’t understand grief and there are so many unknowns about how we process death and loss.
If you are experiencing grief or loss, please know that you are not alone. Please know that you might feel okay one day and completely wrecked the next, and that’s okay. Grief may come out of nowhere and flood you with emotions or it might be a slow burn that lingers - acknowledge it, tend to it, and hold space for it.
